If you ask, "How are you doing?", I'll say "Fine." That is not the truth. I am not fine, nor do I think I will be fine for some time. However, I do not think folks need to hear me talk. I have good days and bad, and most folks won't notice what's going on because I keep it to myself or talk to David or Eddy about it. However, so much about my life is crashing into other bits, it is hard to keep focused.

In the past three weeks, I have lost my grandmother, begun my thesis, had to manage MST stuff, and am in the process of hiring two AMSTs. On top of that, game crap that I did not anticipate nor really need has landed in my lap so I'm ass deep in that too. I feel like I'm crushing under the weight of it all and I need to talk about some of it. I need to talk about Grandmom. I have avoided it because I cannot yet deal with the reality, but I have to at some point. I guess now is the time.

My grandmother has always been this amazing woman to me. She's been like a super hero. She was beautiful as a young woman (drop dead gorgeous to be fair), smart, was able to do anything she set her mind to, willful, independent, strong spirited and the most incredibly generous and loving person I've known.

My family didn't really have drama. It wasn't until much later in life that I learned of the little there was which just that I didn't see her much because her and my dad didn't get along. It wasn't until I was an adult that we became close. It happened slowly, as she couldn't stand my first husband (did I mention she was a cracking judge of character too?). In 1998, my mother died. Grandmom was a rock for me to lean on. My mother was her first child born and her last to die. She survived all three of them. I was her only grandchild. It was after mom died and my divorce from my first husband, that we really became close. It was then that I learned what an amazing woman I had in my life and how much I looked up to her. Over the past 11 years, we have become very close. When I talked about college, she encouraged me all the way. She loved and adored both Eddy and David, although we did not discuss David and I. She always wanted the best for all of us. When I was accepted to grad school, she decided to help me get through it. There was no arguing with her. She decided that she wanted to share this experience with me. As a young woman, she had always wanted to go to college and become an interior designer. This was her way to realize her dream in a small way through my accomplishments.

In December, we went to see her for Christmas. I will never forget how happy she was to see us and how much we talked. She and David cooked dinner together and we all had so much fun. She showed me some knitting stitches even though she hadn't done them in a long time. She was so talented. There was nothing she couldn't do. She painted, sewed, cooked amazing food, made jellies and jams that won awards, did every form of craft you could consider, did landscaping, interior design, quilting, flower arranging (she did my flowers for my aunts wedding as well as both of mine), did wedding alterations and made gowns, sold jewelry, ran several charity groups and on and on and on. Everywhere she went, she touched someones life. She was rarely a shrinking flower and wouldn't take shit from anyone. She had no place for wasting time with trashy or nasty people. She drove herself, lived her life on her terms, damn the consequences.

I can't express in words how much she meant to me. How much I loved her and looked up to her. I wanted nothing more than to be like her and make her proud of me. We talked at Christmas about her coming to my graduation. She showed me the gift she'd purchased for me to see if I liked it. It was a beautiful diamond bracelet. She then put it away until I earned it. David has it hidden so that when I do, and not before, I will be able to wear it.

My heart is broken and aches so much. I have anxiety flare ups a lot since she died. I can't think clearly and am scattered. It has taken an act of will to do a lot of things lately, but I persevere. Since she died, I have gone to a cardiologist to check my heart. I will be going to an internal medicine doc later in the month and work out 5 days a week, try to eat right and take care of myself. She'd not want me to be such a mess, but I can't help it. I feel adrift without her. She has been there when no one else was and loved me when no one else did. I simply don't know life without her in it and I don't know how to handle it.

I leave again on Friday to drive to her house. It is empty without her there, not just in presence but in spirit as well. Her house was a safe haven, and a happy place. While all her things are there, it is not the same.

It falls to me to handle the details of her estate. It is difficult to think of her things as mine now, although, that is the nature of the whole of it. It is going to be long and hopefully painless when it comes to paperwork, but I know it will be a longer process for David, Eddy and I, of a wholly different matter.

I must, and I will finish my thesis on time, will get my degree and I will not fail this semester, despite all the things in my way. She'd expect better of me.

It does not mean I don't love her more than words and miss her every day. I check the weather in Cincinnati and worry that she's too cold. It doesn't make logical sense, but for now, it is how I cope.

I miss her so much. I love you Grandmom.

I got a all at 3:30 today from my uncle Jim (my aunt who passed away's husband who is still family). My grandmother (who has really become my surrogate mother since mom died 11 years ago) passed away in her house this morning from a heart attack. She was apparently getting dressed and collapsed in her bedroom. They found her at 1:30 roughly after they hadn't heard from or seen her yet today and got worried. I will be leaving tomorrow for TN and will not be home until after the funeral on Monday.

Suffice to say, I'm alternating between crying, "normal", and numb. As you can see by the time stamp, I've still not slept.

I'll write more about this when I'm able, but for now, I wanted folks to know if I am random and rambling.

When I slow down my brain starts to think a lot about all sorts of things and some make me sad, some make me scared, some I just don't know how to react to and it's something I don't share with, well, most anyone.

I wonder about where I'll be in 10 years. Part of me worries I'll be dead just like my mom was (hell, if I follow her path, I've got 9 at best). I want to be healthy, happy and have my family just how it is, but sometimes I get this anxiety that I'm not meant to have that kind of happiness in life. I try not to have those moments come up, but they do. I have to remind myself I deserve to be happy and that I am not my mother and my life looks nothing like hers did. I work out, I eat right (or try to most times), I get enough sleep (when I'm not having insomnia), I have two stable and healthy relationships, and I try to take care of my health in general.

I worry about next semester. I want to go on to get my PhD, but I also know that getting into Emory is a remote chance in hell for me and realize that in May, that might be it for a while. I wonder about what I'm going to do with my degree once I'm done if May is it for a while and how I can make good money to support my family and pay off my student loans quickly. I think about the thesis I have to write and hope that it'll be good enough. I want to be a scientist. I want to teach college. I want to do research that will affect a change in the way we look at chronic disease. All of those things also terrify me because I've never wanted something like that before. When I was a kid I wanted to be a large animal vet. I think all little girls want to take care of puppies and kittens, but I wanted to work with horses, livestock and got a veterinary catalog subscription and watched every medical surgery show I could. Even then, when the time came to go back to school, it wasn't where I wanted to be. I had no idea that this was where I'd wind up, but I'm very happy to be here and I want so much to become a doctor so I can do the work that I think will become my lifelong contribution to science. I want that PhD hood but right now, it's so remote to me, that I wonder if I deserve it, or if I'm good enough to get there.

I know, it's the good enough problem I have had for a long time and the "I don't deserve it" feelings come out when I'm scared and anxious. I understand that logically and rationally but sometimes I'm scared and unsure and feel mighty small. This has been on my mind for a while now, but today really has been bad. I'm afraid to talk about it because it's my problem and only I can solve it and when I'm not sad, I just don't want to talk about the things that make me sad or scared or unsure.

Everything in my life outside of my home is in flux. A job has eluded me for over a year now and I have to get something sorted soon because unemployment will run out. I am in limbo waiting to either get my rejection letter from Emory or make their "weekend at Emory" short list and go and try to impress the crap out of them and maybe still not get in. Semester starts on Monday (I won't be there the first week) and thesis writing should begin roughly then so I can get ahead of the game and get my draft into committee earlier rather than later but it's all in limbo. Graduation will happen in May,then I may have a few months break or I may be done. I just don't know. I can't plan for anything except what's right in front of me and it's making me crazy. People are asking me about events or things in the spring and I keep having to say "I just don't know" and I really don't. I don't like the unknown in front of me that is largely out of my control. I like change, but this limbo state is enough to cripple me. I need to start on something but I don't know what or where to start on anything and I'm at a standstill. I don't know how to handle that.

Meh, enough rambling. I have to run errands.

Epidemiology - A
Archaeological Methods - A

GPA maintained at 3.95

Hell Yeah!

Step One

Make a post (public, friends locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

Surf around your friends list (or friends of friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off my list.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

Here is my list:

1) Get a house cleaner to do a thorough scrub of my house so I don't have to do it this time.

2) Paid off credit card (I know this is a super tall order and no one will do it, but it'd be nice to be out of debt for a bit).

3) a massage

4) A shopping spree for clothes. I've never really had more than 200 bucks to "shopping spree" with and it'd be neat to do something like they do on What not to Wear

5) Sushi dinner

6) An overnight in a luxury hotel

7) The stone in my engagement ring replaced. It's an emerald and it's been chipped so bad I'm afraid to wear it. It's why I don't and I miss having both of the rings together in a set. Even a loose dark stone (ruby, sapphire) would be nice so it won't get torn up again.

8) A spa day with skin care.

9) Laser hair removal package (so I don't have to shave things anymore).

10) Knitting lessons

11) A job

This was REALLY hard. It took me effort to come up with this list.

I will make the comments screened. No questions will be asked on an email or address request.

• 12:22 I have no desire to write this paper. It's boring and the articles are eh. #
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• 09:28 @jonathancoulton British Museum is a short walk from where you are. #

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